What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:09
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do you regret being married to your current wife?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
What are some effective ways to cope with loss and grief?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Is it okay for my husband to help other ladies without telling me?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As a Chinese, what disgusts you about the Chinese society today?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What are some fun/kinky things to do with your partner?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Can you describe what it's like to live in a town known for Harley Davidson motorcycles?
I don,t even have a pension.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What's the most sordid activity you've ever seen or heard about at a bachelorette party?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I waited trembling.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do people think Justin Bieber is worse than Joseph Stalin?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
What transforms the philosophical intellect?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What is the lowest probability event you have personally witnessed?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it wasn’t much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
All the time i was locked up.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She wouldn,t have been !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I write beautiful poetry .
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He resisted the act ,that day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
We all went to grammer schools
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She loved him until the end.
My life is so biszare .
When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was seconnd youngest,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im still living with it.